Good brand tOuch – Kwik Fit

It’s 8:05 pm and I’ve just come off the phone to a lady from the Kwik Fit customer call centre. My, those Indians are far better at the Glasgee accent than the Glaswegians! She rang me to enquire whether I was satisfied with the service I’d received at their Shipley garage.

A little background: For a couple of weeks I’ve been hooking up my Ford Focus to the missus’s Galaxy just to get it started (amazing how much power there is in a bar of chocolate.) Eventually after a meeting in Bradford I had to suffer the indignity of pushing my old banger out of the company’s car park, half-in, half-out of the driver’s door, then hopping in, John Wayne stylee at the optimum time - all in front of a near 2,000 strong workforce. Now even though I say it myself, in a bucket of rust that takes balls of steel.

Long story short, upon sighting the welcome blue and yellow sign of Kwik Fit in my peripheral vision I hand-braked in to the forecourt without an indication to my name – after all, it’s absolute gospel that using your indicator when your battery isn’t charging increases your chances of stalling… isn’t it?

Anyway, my good brand tOuch tale is not about the service I received from the fitters, but from the call I’ve just received from Gloria Glasgee. It went something like this:

GG. Just wanted to say thank you for using our garage in Shipley.

Me. Er, that’s okay, thanks for having me.

GG. Just enquiring as to whether you were happy with the service.

Me. Er yes, yes I was actually, very good, thank you.

GG. Oh that’s great. Do you think there’s anything else we could have done to improve the service?

Me. Ummm, no… no I really don’t think so. (If I was being totally brutal, a couple of the lads could have smiled a bit more, but hey, I’d rather have fast, efficient service over false mateyness any day.)

So there you have it. A nice courteous call, relevant and specific to my experience and blow me, the phone even rang after I’d safely packed the rugrats off to Slumberland. Okay, I’ve got a fair idea how Gloria knew I’d visited the Shipley garage for a new battery, but how the hell did she know I was a dad of three?

Blimey, they’re good.

Not so good brand tOuch – Kwik Fit

This has got to be a record. Good brand tOuch followed by not so good in the space of one minute 35 seconds; with the same brand; in the same phone call.

Gloria from Glasgow then went on to say, ‘Just while you’re on Sir…’ Hang on, I wasn’t on, you were! ‘Just wondered if you knew that Kwik Fit do car insurance and we’re offering customers a 10% discount…’

Oh dear. My momentary Kwik Fit fizz went as flat as my old car battery in an instant. Deflated, I explained I wasn’t interested and got on with pondering how naïve I’d been thinking that a commercial organisation might possibly have seen some longer-term value in simply enquiring after their customers’ interests.

I must admit though, Kwik Fit did warm me up nicely with their opening gambit before bringing me down by trying to upsell me in the second part.

Those sneaky Kwif Fit f***ers! *

* That’s fitters to you.