Ouch

A free press? Really?

2011-07-08T14:05:00.009+01:00

A Free Press? Really? from Larner C on Vimeo.

Apologies. I took the same attitude with my editing skills as News International do with their morals: shoddy.

Full of all good intentions today, a brief history of News International begs the question of just how sincere Mr. Murdoch is being here.

Crumbs... it's the tasty, fun side of copywriting...

2011-06-29T13:09:00.005+01:00

... with a serious, buttery baseline...

I love food. Some cheeky monkeys may even say I have a passion for it. I love copywriting. Should go without saying, that one. And I have been known, on the odd... very odd... occasion... to love a bit of fun.

So when I came across this marvellous mix of the three I had to share it.

I could listen to Greg Wallace and John Torode talk about food all day long. I maybe couldn't listen to this all day long, but for two short minutes of wordplay magic, it tickles my funny bone as much as my taste buds.

But it's not just about wordplay. Copywriters could learn a lot from the way this video is edited. When trying to engage your audience, it's important to think about the pace of your copy.

Vary it.

Then draw them in again. Make your points then get your hooks in all the right places. Watch the film all the way through and hopefully you'll see what the heck I'm waffling on about.

Hmmm.... waffles...

It's from Swedemason and it was brought to my attention by Helen Reynolds or if you want to track her down on Twitter, @HelReynolds.

Thanks all round. Bring on the base. Or the bass... oh... pass me a choccy digestive will you.

4, 13, 15, 20 and 300 therapeutic reasons to be cheerful

2011-04-14T09:06:00.005+01:00

Mic of Doom by Jon Eland (@strawbleu)

I've always had a real thing about speaking in public. Almost a phobia. Cold sweats; hot flushes - and that's before numerous trips to the loo.

This is not to be confused with presenting creative work to a panel of stony faced marketing bods or trying to persuade a city council to go with my branding for a major part of their beloved city.

Nope - they're two different things entirely. Like loo roll and sandpaper; like taking things at a canter or having the trots: totally different experiences.

When presenting creative work I'm responsible for, I know it inside out. I'll have assessed my audience. I'll have an inclination they'll be half-receptive to my ideas. And I get to move the slides on at my pace. So I'm calm, relaxed and relishing the challenge.

Public speaking for me has always been something far more daunting than an enjoyable challenge. It's been an inhospitable mountain to climb with hell fire at the bottom, vomit-inducing dizzy heights at the top and evil little trolls waiting to laugh at your every move all the way up.

Bettakultcha, with its automatic 15 second slide format, takes things out of your control to an extent. It's a bit like releasing the brake on a rickety old train carriage on 1 to 1 incline down a Klondyke gold mine.

Bettakultcha at The Corn Exchange by Tricky (@sovietuk)

But for me, Bettakultcha is a wonderful event for so many reasons. Started by two blokes in Leeds, Richard Michie and Ivor Tymchak, the first events took place in front of 50 or 60 people at the awesome Temple Works building in Leeds, lovingly curated by Phil Kirby. Bettakultcha has since been staged at various other venues, the last couple at the should-be world-famous Corn Exchange. Some have said that Bettakultcha is losing its rough, bohemian edge - I don't think so. You can still bring your own bottle, presentations can be about anything from online comic strips to the wonderful work that people do to help people with cystic fibrosis, to why Star Wars is based on the Mills & Boon format - and the fact that the Bettakultcha phenomenon can now involve far more people without losing its edge is worth it.

The format is simple: 13 speakers, 20 slides of 15 seconds each in front of a wonderfully eclectic crowd. Oh and 4 very brave random sliders to top off what is a brilliant evening. It's been described as a middle class variety show. I'd describe it as one of the best events not only that Leeds has to offer, but also that contributes to making Leeds a livelier, more creative, fulfilling place to be.

Presenting at Bettakultcha by Simon (@doggonwheels)

Bettakultcha VIII was held at The Corn Exchange on Tuesday the 12th April and I'd booked myself a slot to speak. It's part of my self-induced therapy. I guess I could seek professional help, but my view is that if I am going to tackle that mountain, I'm jumping in feet first, on my own. The audience at Bettakultcha is a huge help - I liken it to taking on The London Marathon for the first time: the crowd wants you to do well and adds an extra 10-20% to your performance. I did a 5 minute spell on viral marketing, a little tongue in cheek - but you can't really go too deep in in 300 seconds. I came off a little disappointed that I didn't get all my points across - some slides went faster than my addled mind would allow and the whole 300 seconds really did feel like 30.

But I'm glad I did it. I feel privileged to have been allowed to speak in such an amazing building. I'm extremely grateful to Richard and Ivor. And I'm very grateful to a forgiving audience. And I feel better for having done it. Now that's my kind of therapy.

Maria Millionaire by (@strawbleu)

Other great talks were on subjects including making lists, the link between comedy and magic, the history of drag, why Manchester is better than Leeds (controversial) and the madness of Kim Jong Il - not to pick anyone out in particular - every single presentation was hugely entertaining and you can find a list of the speakers here, along with previous events and speakers.

It's a great night. It's highly recommended by everyone here at Ouch (that'd be me) and it's something you should try at least once while you're in Leeds.

And talking of therapy, if you fancy a go at presenting at Bettakultcha (and so many of the audience seem to be inspired to do so) there's even some of that presentation therapy I've thus far avoided on offer, for free - the next one being on Friday 16th April.

Now I've climbed that mountain, I do actually fancy going to the class to find out how it's done properly!

Just doing some ideas work

2011-02-10T22:00:00.001Z

There I was trying to hatch some un-hackneyed concepts for an Easter mailing for a client and something occurred to me: if the guy who invented the chocolate fountain machine had patented his idea, he'd have become a melty millionaire.

No question.

I can't bear to be bare.

2011-01-15T10:50:00.002Z

Does that make me homophonic?

On the subject of Christmas ads...

2010-12-17T12:00:00.021Z

... here's one knocked up to promote Ouch. It's dodgy, it's ropey, it's soapy but it does contain all you'll ever need. And not one present you'll never use.

Many thanks to all who read, carped and commented on Ouch this year.

Have a great Christmas and all the best for a great New Year.

Christmas is a time for... ads

2010-12-15T11:36:00.001Z

Courtesy of the fine people at U Talk Marketing.Com, here's their list of the top 5 Christmas TV ads.

You won't be surprised to see the likes of Heineken and PG Tips in there but do you agree with the rest?

I do like the John Lewis example but I'm afraid my psyche has been out-psyched by their recent Always a Woman ad with Billy Joel's song of the same name sang by Fyfe Dangerfield. A brilliant song and an ad which millions loved. I still love the song but I'm afraid I found ad a tad depressing.

How do you feel when you watch it?

I find it depressing because, especially at this magical time of year for children, I don't want to be reminded of my own fleeting existence and the inevitable mortality that brings.

And on that note, have a great Christmas!

And give me knitted monkeys dressed up as Elizabeth Windsor every day of the week.

All work and no play...

2010-11-15T11:04:00.009Z

I've just discovered a great blog to vent all those writing urges that'll never earn two bob. It's called 330 Words and as the name suggests, it lays down quite a challenge to anyone calling themselves a copywriter.

That's because you have to write a fictional story in 330 words or under and be brave/emboldened enough to stick it up in the public domain.

Not that easy. But great on a number of counts:

1. It really hones your editing skill. An invaluable arrow to have in your copy quiver. The quicker and more efficient your become at editing, the easier it is to deal with your own copy critiques and those of your colleagues and clients.

2. It provides a breath of valuable fresh air; prevents your keyboard from becoming a mill stone round your neck and you from becoming a money-making extension of your keyboard.

3. It opens up your writing/ your work/ your pleasure (if you like) to public critique which can provide you with a completely new view on your skills - and give you another layer of thick skin, which never goes amiss in a creative industry.

4. Writing fiction is a great way for a copywriter to improve his or her copy. It provides new constructions, different ways to pace prose and of course provide a new outlet for fun - especially if you're starting to see copywriting as merely a job (God forbid).

Whether you're a copywriter or not, I'd recommend giving it a go.

You'll find the blog here.

You can follow the 330 Words people on Twitter here.

You can find a couple of my efforts here and here.

Parental advice: you might find a couple of naughty words amongst all that lovely fiction.

Go on... see if you can do better. But that's really not the point. :)

The oxymoron of the fresh approach

2010-10-06T17:04:00.002+01:00

For a fresh approach to your next ad or campaign, just add:
- some shiny looking fruit, preferably sliced and with a good few drops of water
- sometimes just a splash of water will do the trick
- any kind of cleaning product; soap, detergent, coca-cola, that sort of thing
- or, if you're really trying to be ca-rayzee, try the odd stylised dandelion - always synonymous with fresh stuff.

The 'fresh approach' gambit always comes in handy when the following has happened:
- your client has sold you short on what makes his or her product or service great
- your account manager has sold you short on what makes his or her client's product or service great
- neither of the two parties has ever heard of a proposition.

...In which case you can do one of the following:

- just go with it. Bang out the creative, artwork it up, send it off, go home and take two, preferably three showers followed by three stiff gins, knowing your work will join a kazillion other ubiquitous fresh approaches in the same lame league

- refuse to even touch any so-called 'concept' with the remotest allusion to a fresh approach and ride out the 'creative strop' storm

- strongly advise the client of the irony of this tactic and the fact that not only does it probably not do their offer any justice but that it also treats the customer like a corn-fed automaton.

...Then sleep safe in the knowledge that there's only one kind of product or service owner who should be pleased with this kind of oxymoron:*

the marketing moron.

* Yes, yes, for the pedants I realise 'fresh approach' is not an oxymoron in the true sense of the word, but the proposition of presenting 'fresh approach' as a new idea mostly definitely is!

57 campaign lines in one post? The answers.

2010-10-01T12:12:00.004+01:00

As promised here are all the lines which appeared in this recent Drum post and their respective brands - possibly in a somewhat higgledypiggledy order:

01. Don’t leave home without it - American Express

02. Nothing acts faster – Anadin

03. Impossible is nothing – Adidas

04. Just do it – Nike

05. Good things come to those who wait – Guinness

06. Moving at the speed of business – UPS

07. I’m only here for the beer – Double Diamond

08. Any time, any place, any where – Martini

09. Eight of ten cats prefer it – Whiskas

10. The man from Del Monte says ‘Yes’ – Del Monte

11. Say it with flowers – Interflora

12. Empowering the internet generation – Cisco

13. It’s what your right arm’s for – Courage Beer

14. Drink Canada dry – Canada Dry

15. Liquid engineering – Castrol

16. Drink Camp – it’s the best – Camp

17. I’d love a Babycham – Babycham

18. It makes you feel like the man you are – Buick

19. Some of our best men are women – US Army

20. Have you ever had a bad time in Levi's? – Levi’s

21. Life’s good – LG

22. Make. Believe. - Sony

23. Every little helps – Tesco

24. WotalotIgot – Smarties

25. The listening bank – Midland Bank

26. Bread wi’ nowt taken out – Allinson’s

27. It’s good to talk – BT

28. Have you ever wished you were better informed? – The Times

29. Gee, I wish I had a nickel – Lifesaver’s Candy

30. Tide’s in, dirt’s out – Tide

31. make-up to make love in – Mary Quant

32. Beanz Meanz Heinz – Heinz

33. It could be you – National Lottery

34. It’s got to be Gordon’s - Gordon’s Gin

35. Just imagine – NEC

36. Saving you money every day – Asda

37. The true definition of luxury. Yours - Acura

38. Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you – Post Office

39. A lot less bovver than a hover – Qualcast

40. It’s everywhere you want to be – Visa

41. think local, act global – Accenture

42. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is – Alka Seltzer

43. Once you pop you just can’t stop – Pringles

44. The beauty of all wheel drive – Subaru

45. You’re going to like us – Trans World Airlines

46. I love what you do for me – Toyota

47. Come home to a real fire – Coal Board

48. probably the best beer in the world – Carlsberg

49. Nothing runs like a deere – John Deere

50. Reach out and touch someone – American Telephone & Telegraph

51. Because life’s complicated enough – Abbey National

52. You can trust your car to the man with the star – Texaco

53. Think big – IBM

54. Think small – VW

55. Think different - Apple

56. Take care – Garnier

57. Schhh - you know who - Schweppes

57 campaign lines in one post on messaging? Now that's variety!

2010-09-15T08:00:00.000+01:00

A while back I posted on The Drum about getting the messaging right - especially as today's consumers are more savvy than ever before.

Here's the post, with 57 campaign lines hidden within. Can you spot them all? As promised on The Drum the answers will appear sometime soon.

Attitude. As one of today’s customers, I don’t leave home without it. And because I know the average person is exposed to somewhere over 1500 marketing messages a day, I make damned sure I’m anything but average. When it comes to rubbing me up the wrong way, nothing acts faster than an ill-timed pitch, or bland statement to make the prospect of a sale impossible. ‘Is nothing sacred any more?’ I ask myself as I try to get through the day without being labelled an A, B or C1. Don’t know why I feel like there’s a million marketeers with hands in my pockets, I just do. It’s one of the reasons I’m fickle, brand-disloyal and downright difficult to please.

I’m only here for the beer but I can get another one any time, any place, anywhere.

I know good things come to those who wait but I prefer moving at the speed of business.

I’m not into jazz but I understand why eight out of ten cats prefer it.

And when the man from Del Monte says ‘Yes’ I often prefer to say it with flowers.

That’s right – I’m no longer interested in whether it’s probably the best beer in the world; I want to know it definitely is, why it is and how you’re going to prove it.

It’s all well ‘n’ good empowering the Internet generation but stop sending me those infernal emails. I’ve heard of Viagra. It’s what your right arm’s for.

Isn’t it? I can’t quite make out the small point size on the instruction leaflet.

I’m high on multiple online reviews and I’ve got the lowdown on what’s best for me.

Yeah, I know a little dab’ll do ya, but sometimes I just want to splash it all over.

And when I’m on the go and thirsty, I could drink Canada dry – whatever they’re serving. Call it liquid engineering – and remember I’m running on a hybrid engine.

I could drink camp – it’s they best they say. And while I’d love a Babycham, I’ve heard it makes you feel like the man you are.

Oh yeah – we’re today’s hard-to-please consumers. And you know what, some of our best men are women. So watch it.

Someone once asked me, ‘Have you ever had a bad time in Levi’s?’ No, but I know life’s good – if not better – out of your Levi’s too.

So sell me jeans with a fluffy yellow puppet by all means, but I think you’re on the make. Believe me, I really do.

And while every little helps, I can’t help feeling smug at wotalotIgot.

I don’t want my bank to be the listening bank, I just want my bread wi’ nowt taken out.

There’s no doubt it’s good to talk but have you ever wished you were better informed?

I have. That’s why my media is super social. That’s why you’d better be as sociable as me – and millions of others like me. Because word on the street is there’s no hiding place anymore.

And they say that when the tide’s in, dirt’s out. If that means make-up to make love in is only good for half the day, I’m not that interested, thanks.

More interestingly, Beanz Meanz Heinz apparently – but if they’re over fifty pence a can, beans means own brand to me.

And sometimes, just sometimes I’d actually prefer my nice, relaxing massage on the go. After all, it’s a lot less bovver than a hover and a lot of small talk.

It could be you – it really could be down to you that I’m rebelling against this brand bashing – but it’s got to be Gordon’s fault, whoever the heck he is!

Whatever happens I’ll make, up my own mind, thanks.

Just imagine what you could achieve if you stopped treating me like a demographic and more like a person.

Yes, I’ll listen to people purporting to be saving you money every day, but because I’m also interested in the true definition of luxury, yours is no easy task these days.

In fact, someone, somewhere wants a letter from you. It says, ‘Sorry for disturbing you in such a grey, stagnant fashion.’

AB1? Yeah, that’s right, ‘Awkward Bugger that one’.

Advertising: it’s everywhere you want to be – so you marketing bods better think local, act global and be as relevant and timely as possible.

Crikey, with ads on a roll I’m even being sold to in the loo. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is just to pull the chain down, my pants up and get the hell out.

Yep, you’d better stay cool in the high-pressure world of meeting your targets and budgets. Because once you pop you just can’t stop.

And once those shiny new campaign alloys start coming off, you really will realise the beauty of all wheel drive.

Yup, I’m afraid we’re a truly unfathomable, fussy, crowd we consumers, but we’re sure you’re going to like us.

Eventually.

Oh yeah, I love what you do for me today, but tomorrow I’ll be cold as ice. That’s why I want to come home to a real fire – real benefits, real features sold in with zeal, truth and integrity.

You see, nothing runs like a deere old beloved campaign, but nowadays, you’ve got to really reach out and touch someone.

Because life’s complicated enough these days you, the marketer, have to be smarter, fitter, tougher than the next marketer and remember one thing: trust. Just as you can trust your car to the man with the star, chances are you can trust your creative to your agency – and the copywriter to get the messaging right.

Yes, I’m one of today’s modern punters and if you’re in marketing you’d be wise to think different. Think big, think small – but whatever you do, think customer.

Because once you take care of your customer they might… just might, start taking care of you.

o

oo

ooo

o

Schhh – you know who put 57 kinds of strapline and campaign line in this post? Me neither, and as a modern consumer of blogs, I’m really not that bothered.

o

ooo

oo

Oh, oh... Apple introduces Magic Launchpad, for a speedier connection to the real world

2010-07-27T08:45:00.010+01:00

After a period of downtime this morning, the Apple store is now back, and as expected – it now carries refreshed, faster iMac and Mac Pro computers. However, earlier rumours have shown to be true, as Apple has also launched a completely new product, called the Magic Launchpad.

The Magic Launchpad is a 1m x 1m ramp, designed to work on your voracious appetite for buying anything remotely Mac related. Perfect for positioning at the edge of cliffs and very high buildings, it uses the same multitouch technology as the MacBook Pro and is fully capable of launching 4 to 5 Mac lemmings simultaneously.

It “supports a full set of gestures, including the two-fingered 'so long fan-boy sucker' and the one-fingered 'get yourself a life instead' thereby giving you a whole new way to control the way you jump off the consumer chasm” claims Apple’s product description. It connects with your Mac via Bluetooth, and it’s intended to be used either in the open countryside or in built-up areas, especially those with a high proportion of skyscrapers.

The Magic Launchpad comes as a standalone accessory and it costs roughly £35 to end your irrational addiction.

Ouch advertising tip #321

2010-07-14T11:01:00.004+01:00

If you really are seeking perfection, don't sample the product before artworking the poster.

How sport can turn a comment into a whole new post

2010-07-14T10:12:00.007+01:00

Below is a post by fellow Drum blogger Aaron Bimpson. It's about how poor England were in the 2010 World Cup and why 'brand' might be at fault. I agree with much of it, but as my reply in the form of a two-minute comment turned into a whole new post, I realised how vital sport is not only to a nation, but to people's lives in general.

There. Said all that without mentioning 'passion' once. D'oh.

England expected: But what did England expect?

0tweets retweet

As I walked through the city last Sunday afternoon amidst swathes of the stunned and disillusioned, I had watched ‘it’ at the gym from a treadmill. I actually think I clocked more mileage than Rooney, which really isn’t a testament to my level of fitness, more a sad reflection on his. While I surveyed a scene of national mourning and drunken heartbreak. The real underlying issue occurred to me – England have no brand anymore.

If a player from an emerging nation plays extremely well and shines out at the World Cup, maybe, just maybe, he’ll get procured by a second tier Premiership team or become a squad player at one of the big four. As a result his brand gains fame, notoriety and the opportunity to succeed. The trouble for England is that all of our players already do that. So there’s no real distinct advantage of playing for England. Wayne Rooney gets no real benefit from playing for England, he already plays for Manchester Utd, let’s be honest brand Ferguson is a bigger brand than brand Fabio. Robert Green didn’t save it because he didn’t really have to, his bottom line is not really affected by not playing for England.

England’s brand of Football has suffered. I’m not for a second talking about the style in which we play and I’m not just talking about who’s kissing and selling this week. I’m talking about the entire Brand identity of English football. Like many brands suffer, because they just got content and of course you know what happens to contented, slightly unfit, pompous, arrogant, comfort zone brands? Sooner or later, younger, technically astute, fitter, faster German brands come along and thrash them? We had brand under Venables, We had brand under Robson and while we didn’t win anything under either, at least we were proud and happy to be associated. Our Brand is lazy and tired we have a Lampard / Gerrard ‘buy one get one free scenario’ – truly a place where brands go to die.

Take the Germans, the Ghanaians, the teams from South Korea and Japan, even the younger members of the Argentina squad. Observe the wide eyed, X-Factor like enthusiasm with which they go about a game. They take risks, they have no fear of defeat, they work desperately hard. Whatever happens throughout the rest of the tournament, opportunity will be knocking for the young German players and their brand of invigorating, fun and flowing football. Then they’ll launch that brand into a wider market.

We have emerging markets in the Football sphere like we have emerging markets in the world economy. The Asian link here is by no means tenuous, South Korea developed a love of Football, they chose that they wanted to be good at it, now they are; they bend it like Beckham, they pass like Holland, and they dive like Brazil. Adding their own South Korean sense of cast iron discipline, and feverish intensity (Fabio should have taken a job there perhaps) and their almost devout humility and desire to serve the team – that’s one big impressive brand – Man Utd have bought into with Park Ji Sung.
A more ringing endorsement in Football, there is none.

For all the huffing and puffing and sackings, booings, unreserved apologies and goal line technology debates, brand is important, brand is a choice, we all have to ask ourselves what we would choose for ours, or we’ll go the way of the three Lions.

Posted in Uncategorized.

And the unfeasibly large and over-indulgent response: (At the time of going to pixels on Ouch, I was still awaiting untold abuse.)

Larner says
(Your comment is awaiting moderation)
Nice article Aaron. I do think there are other factors other than brand that play a part in England’s dire performance in South Africa. Heart, which I think you allude to anyway – you’re right, some of these players plying their trade for the world’s most famous clubs possibly do think they’re at the pinnacle of what they can achieve – they certainly look like that when they loll about the field in an England shirt. But if they’ve no heart, no desire and no pride in their country, then we may as well start placing bets on the team just getting out of their group, never mind reaching the semi-finals.
Yes, these emerging teams look hungry, but I really hope they’re hungry to represent their country, NOT hungry to tick a box on a talent scout’s agenda from The Premier League – or before we know it, they’ll go exactly the same way as the England team. And that’s what I think the 2nd issue is: money. The Premier League is obscenely awash with the stuff. So much so, the FA cannot take its eyes off the big fat cash cow and re-avert its priorities to the national game – bringing English players through – teaching them the technical ability to hold the ball, pass it out from the back, up to midfield and confidently bide their time until players making the effort to make incisive runs are in a goal-scoring position – you know, like the current world champions. Despite national divisions and disparate regional identities, Spain has invested so much money and time in its national game over the last 15 years – and boy, does it show.
And has anyone in our game ever pondered how one of the lower-paid leagues in the developed world, The Bundesliga, manages to produce a national team capable of playing such entertaining, ruthless football as the Germans? It never, ever ceases to amaze me when I hear comments such as, ‘On paper, England are a better side than Germany.’ Trouble is, football isn’t played on paper, it’s played on grass – and currently played a million miles better by Germany, despite a sometimes wobbly defence. But it’s a defence that’s more organised and more spirited than our current bunch of overrated individuals, by far.
Then there’s the FA itself. At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old fart, the FA has had no backbone since it obstinately refused to hire Brian Clough, the best man for the England job by a country mile all those years ago. He was streets ahead of the likes of Don Revie – and this is coming from a Leeds fan! The FA is too comfortable, there are too many big cheeses on ridiculous salaries to rock the boat by picking a head who will speak their mind and perhaps ruffle a few of the feathers of our preened, prissy playing staff.
And additional to your ‘brand’ Aaron, which I do think is partly to blame, I really think we can add PR. The media has done our national game no favours whatsoever. They have built some of a better known English players up as gods, as top ten, top three material on the world stage. For what? Because the media arrogantly believes The Premier League is the best in the world? Because some of these players do well in teams crawling with foreign talent which is technically better, fitter and as you rightly point out Aaron, hungrier? Take these Englishmen out of their clubs; teams that because of their riches can afford to be the best in the world and would probably beat most national sides – and you see instantly the talent that is available to us as a country.
Quite frankly our players just aren’t good enough. And won’t be – ever, until some major changes take place. We are currently a country, a national game, in complete denial.
Perhaps a total rebrand? Maybe – but as with any rebrand – it has to be backed up by the restructure, the new processes and new ways of doing things that will deliver the new brand promise.
July 14, 2010, 10:03 am

Propositions built on sand

2010-06-10T16:38:00.009+01:00

If you caught my last Thomson rant about the use of the word 'passion' you'd be forgiven for thinking I had it in for them.

I haven't.

I've got it well and truly in for lazy copy and even more idle propositions. And because I've written a few ads, brochures and emails for a couple of Tui brands, I do feel somewhat emotionally involved.

This banner that popped up while I checked my emails online is a case in point.

Often, when creating a proposition for an offer, a campaign or indeed a whole brand, it's worth sense-checking it with the question, 'So what?' Okay, if you're in marketing, that's a given in most cases. But it's also very worth while, once you've created your proposition, asking a further question:

'As opposed to what?'

If the answer to the above question is something you should definitely not be doing then you need to take your proposition back to the drawing board. Because more than likely, you'll have created a proposition that merely covers off something you should be doing anyway. It's something often called the hygiene factor by those with 'Marketing' in their job title and you can bet your bottom dollar it's not really pushing a USP (unique selling proposition or point). A USP that will create your own little (or hopefully, big) space within a market that's shark-infested with your competitors.

Let's just think about 'Holidays built with you in mind'.

Aside from the fact I don't really want my valuable time off constructed for me, I'd like to know this: if Thomson are now indeed creating holidays with customers as the sole focus - what the hell is everyone else in the travel industry doing?

Holidays built with the annoying couple that'll latch onto you on the first night and never let go until you land back home in mind?

Holidays built with the rest of the family you really don't get on with that loves it when you spend more than a week away in mind?

Holidays built with slimy pickpockets waiting to fleece you of your Euros in mind?

Oh no... I guess they would have to be built with 'you' in mind. After all, 'you' fits in a 160x600 banner a little better.

And if they are now built with you in mind what the hell where Thomson doing before?

You'll find these kind of propositions on the same shelf as marketing no-nos such as 'passionate'.

Why? Because you could apply this kind of proposition to just about every product on the planet.

iPhones built with you in mind.

Houses built with you in mind.

Wallpaper built with you in mind.

That's right, wallpaper - just like this type of proposition - a proposition that's built with anything but you in mind.

Copywriters: never mind who's the Daddy, who's the market?

2010-05-19T09:18:00.008+01:00

A tweet from a very nice bloke I follow on Twitter reminded me of something I've wanted to spout off about for ages.

But first, the tweet that jolted me into action - and words.

As you'll hopefully see from the screenshot, it was from @BestWordsmith, a bloke called Doug - a very good copywriter from what I've read and, as far as I can tell, (as much as you can tell via sociable media) a thoroughly decent chap. Go on, give him a follow. Then check out the other copy monkeys I follow - they're all good people and well worth a sneak up behind. (If you're a writer and don't currently appear on my list, it's nothing personal... well it is... personally, I'm crap at keeping my lists up to date - so please give me a shout below and I'll gladly add your name).

Doug's tweet directed me to a big long list of copywriting tips from a fellow marketing hack called Bill. If you're a writer, you'll have heard of him - Bill Fryer - a Big Daddy amongst the Copy Club.

Now Bill's obviously pretty successful. He's one of the breed of copywriters who's utterly, totally, completely commercially focused.

'What?' I hear the writers scream. 'To be a decent writer (of the marketing copy variety) you are inherently commercial.'

Yup. But I'm talking about being commercial in terms of marketing yourself as opposed to being commercial about marketing your clients.

And here comes the other 'but'. And the thing I've been meaning to mention for ages:

Just who does this breed of copywriter think they are marketing to?

Take a look at the link - if you haven't already.

As I said, a great big long list of copywriting tips. For copywriters.

Now writers, I don't know about you, but my market is not a bunch of copywriters looking for tips on how to improve their skills. My market is a bunch of marketing bods and business bods looking to improve their bottom line.

I'm not talking about posts on SEO, discussions on grocers' apostrophes and debates on copy style - the benefit of a potential client reading those is obvious. They show the writer has more in-depth knowledge; they show the writer thinks beyond wasting pixel ink; they show the writer cares about their craft.

And they show the writer to be someone who can add far more value than the client who can merely string words together.

You know that client. It's the client that forces their version upon you. The cart horse client who drafts their idea of how the copy should be, challenges you to beat it and after you duly knock it into shape and beat its potential pulling power out of sight, still doesn't drink the water.

The client who really shouldn't be writing copy.

So are Bill's tips for that client? Because they seem like tips for writers to me.

Which begs me to ask, 'Is it all a little bit of peacocking?' (Yup, you're allowed to invent new words on your own blog by the way.)

Or is it misdirected marketing?

I've not made up my mind yet but at least I've got it off my chest.

I dunno, you tell me.

Fresh meat, Billy Bob? Copy that!

2010-05-13T12:10:00.007+01:00

Howdy pardner,

Lost your way some?

Doan worry nun, weycome to de deep sowth!

A place where families stay real close-knit. Where love is free 'n' eezy and where, if you don't know yo way roun' a good ole country choon on a banjo... well... you won't fit in that good.

But hell, doan worry nun, we'll always find a way to fit in you!

An' yo sho weycome to try our homecooked food anytime. We like ta mosey on down to our local store, Billy Bob Morrison's. Oh he doan run the show no more... hell, he six feet in the groun'. But his boy Ken... boy oh boy... he be turning out some gooood shit on those shelves.

Aint that far away too.... 'bout 12 miles up yonder track. We can git up there lickety-split on the back o' Bertha. She's our prize sow an' she sho goood at taking a fine ole load from time to time, if ya get ma drift.

Anyhoo, we cooking up some damn fine sausage right now pardner... real thick 'n' juicy.

An when ah say thick... ah'm talkin' girth... oh boy... that's right... pork thick!

PORK THICK... ya hear?

Not beef thick.

Not lamb thick.

That's right pardner, PORK THICK. Six of 'em too.

An' doan let a liddle thing like a missin' full stop put you off. Lots a shit go missin' roun' these parts, aint no shame.

Now, sho ya won't stay an' join us?

Off the shelf, completely off the money

2010-04-29T11:04:00.004+01:00

I just walked past a Thomson travel agents in north Leeds. I got as far as the entrance of the bank next door.

Then a lightening bolt struck. Something pulled me back. Something a bit Star Trekky... an unfathomable force, a magnetic field that sucked me, frowning and bewildered back to the travel agents - and to the banner you see here.

This dark force then proceeded to swirl around my right hand. Still not quite believing my eyes, the hijacked hand took out my phone and made me capture the banner in all its glory.

Now that strange energy is making me stick a post up about the event.

What is it exactly? I've always said to myself don't become one of those copywriters who bangs on ad infinitum about apostrophe abuse, split infinitives and copy cliches.

But I can't help myself. The Shelf Monster is making me do it, completely against my will.

You see, the Shelf Monster comes from a planet called Thatull Do, is a hairy beast of immense power and, once disturbed, can cause destruction of universal proportions - especially to otherwise well-intended marketing campaigns.

And boy, has someone pissed off the Shelf Monster with this humdinger.

Someone, perhaps a young marketing director, possibly also from Thatull Do, or a young copy monkey travelling the galaxy in search of inspiration has seen fit to sneak into the Shelf Monster's cave and nick one of the beast's most prized possessions: the word, 'passionate'.

Oh boy, that big fella's pretty damned annoyed now. So pretty damned annoyed, he's gonna rip the head off the campaign's impact, take a huge dump on its response rates and trample all over the Thomson brand for weeks to come.

Carnage.

My advice to anyone naive, lazy or pressed-for-time enough to even think of foraging around in the Shelf Monster's cave for effective copy?

Don't. It aint pretty. Then watch this short piece of film from the erratically brilliant David Mitchell.

You'll then hopefully never think of entering the Shelf Monster's domain - ever.

For more cliche-riddled nonsense, take a wander over to The Drum to see what Gabriella Cilmi has to say on the subject.

What next? Pen versus butter knife?

2010-04-27T13:08:00.001+01:00

I've being doing a stint with a bunch of lovely people in a converted mill north of Leeds lately. It's made me come over all office-workery again.

And when I came across this in the fridge, it made me realise that, in terms of office food security, the butter knife is far mightier than the sword.

Sign of the times

2010-04-20T12:07:00.016+01:00

Some might say the web is a receptacle for a lot of ugliness. Hateful propaganda here, cowardly bullying there, all interspersed with various levels of 'Aint my pet lovely' sickliness. Ugly, the lot of it.

But there's no denying that sites like YouTube, Vimeo and Flickr have more than their fair share of beauty.

The rise of The Creative Class may be erratic, may be eccentric, may be unfathomable and may be, at times and for brief moments, faltering.

But one thing's for sure: the rise of The Creative Class is unstoppable.

Of course, this social and economic movement isn't just blazing its trail through the arty stuff. It's marauding through science, engineering and lifestyles. You've only got to look at the wonderful TED to appreciate that. But right now, sites that give everybody instant access to creative thinking and talent are the pioneers and I salute them.

Get past the 'You've been framed jack russell falling off a plastic garden table' and you'll eventually unearth beautiful pieces of work like this from Oscar Sharp. It brings to light two things for me as a so-called creative professional and father of three:

1. I'll always believe that creativity should never be the sole preserve of people in creative roles
2. I'll always encourage my children to pursue what they love, not what I think the world wants at the present time.

Sign Language - a short film from Oscar Sharp on Vimeo.

Because no matter how big the Creative Class will become it will always be big enough to accept, nurture and cherish those outsiders who care for their craft.

Communication letting you down?

2010-04-14T08:52:00.010+01:00

Apologies if I've just wedged that annoying Spandau Ballet tune in your head.

My excuse is I just had to mention a breakdown in communication I suffered today on that most majorist of major communication channels, Twitter.

No need for much explanation; the screenshot of the conversation, reading from bottom up, should do the trick (just click to enlarge if you're as blind as me).

I guess the words by the cursor say it all really and I guess it also just goes to prove at least two points:

1. I'm not half as funny as I thought I was and should probably scrap the childish, copywriter-based jokes.

2. If you're on Twitter to market your wares, do the thing that all those social media gurus go on about ad infinitum: engage.

Yup, sometime soon, 'engage' will become a very dirty word but if there's one medium in which you can actually have a conversation, get to know who you're talking to and do away with all those bludgeoning 18-wheel inarticulated sales techniques, it's Twitter.

Use it wisely, my sales friends.

I'm a modern man

2010-03-19T13:51:00.002Z

The marketing and advertising game is often labelled 'a young man's game.'

How ageist.

How sexist.

How rude.

Oh yeah, I'm one of today's sensitive new age, modern men alright.

Kindly brought to my attention by the one and only Peter Baruffati, this short film sums up perfectly how difficult it is if you no longer feel like a young man in our modern society.

You can stalk Peter on that Twitter thingy @peterbaruffati

What next for Brand Brown?

2010-03-17T23:00:00.004Z

The following article is the unedited version of a feature that first appeared in the Yorkshire Post, dated 16th March 2010.

Brilliant. Articulate. Electrifying. That’s Gordon Brown.

Don’t think so? Already clicking off in a disagreeable rage?

That’ll be Brand Brown at work. Or not, depending on your perception of our current PM.

Fancy new pad?

There’s a school of thought that says an individual cannot be a brand; that brands are only whipped off corner shop shelves or worshipped in those churches of consumption, the retail parks cloned so inevitably up and down our country. But, having worked in marketing for longer than I care to remember, not to mention trying to persuade much of the nation to splash its cash on anything from iPhones to eye tests, from to feminine hygiene to even fancier new pads, I’m in the camp that firmly believes a person can be a brand.

Anything that needs to sell as a product, as a service, as an idea, automatically comes as a brand. That’s because the potential customer has to have a perception, a feeling, a sense of a set of values they are buying into, in order to make a choice. That perception is the brand. And God knows, in the run-up to a general election, the whole country has a choice to make and Gordon could do with some seriously good marketing right now.

A deeper shade of Brown

In reading, and scoffing at the first three words of this article, you’d possibly agree. But the fact is you’re not invited to Edinburgh University at sixteen, where you gain a First Class Honours MA followed by a PhD, all whilst becoming the establishment’s youngest ever Rector in history, without being brilliant. You don’t become a Member of Parliament without being able to deftly communicate your point of view. And you certainly don’t have your early speeches labelled by peers and respected political journalists alike as ‘electrifying’ if they’re anything short of high voltage.

But that’s probably not how you think of Gordon Brown is it.

And that’s where Brand Brown has failed Gordon Brown.

As my Old Man used to say about John Major, “What the hell are his PR team playing at?”

But, as anyone who knows their marketing onions will tell you, it takes more than just PR to make a winning brand; it takes the full marketing mix. Yep, ‘fraid so, but our ex-Chancellor of over a decade has to be on the money on everything from advertising to direct marketing, from social media to PR.

The big question asked a lot right now is can Gordon turn around a devastating start as PM to win the forthcoming election?

That’s debatable until the final ballot paper is checked off, not least because of a turn-out that was so disinterested at the last election, Big Brother was blessed with more votes. These people can be brought out of their shells by a change in perception; by a tweak of Brand Brown. And the Tory voters? Well, wasting any kind of marketing budget on that audience in the short-term isn’t advisable and it’s too late in the day for a rebrand of Brown to have any effect anyway. No. The ones who were shy last time round, the as yet, undecided and Labour voters threatening abstinence are the ones to unleash new Brand Brown on.

Starting with advertising. Getting caught up in childish tit-for-tat advertising that does nothing more than parody so-called popular culture is a complete no-no. The recent billboards showing Cameron and Osbourne sporting ice-cream Jedward haircuts and the equally, limp-wristed line, ‘You won’t be laughing if they win’ is nothing short of derisory especially when Brown has the opportunity to wipe the floor with an opposition party leader who acts like a salesman without any products to shift. So the first thing is, don’t even advertise. Book the space by all means but then use it to tell the nation what your policies are and you’ll have pulled yourself out of the same desperate name-calling playground the Tories inhabit immediately.

What about direct marketing? A more targeted approach that grabs people on their doorsteps. Well, that’s just it – Gordon isn’t communicating. He’s too busy defending the damaging attacks about damaging attacks. When more of the waverers are warming to the idea that Brown may not be a soggy biscuit after all, he needs to capitalise on that forthright perception, get out there and talk to people. More importantly, he needs to get his team out there – on Britain’s doorsteps rallying the undecided, persuading the passive.

Which segues in to social media. Whilst social media will not be the be all and end all that many marketers would have us believe, it will be an essential communication tool for reshaping any brand. But it’s a tool that should be handled with the utmost care as any big brand such as Vodafone, Paperchase or Toyota will tell you. You’re watched 24 hours a day, 7 days a week online and anything that can be picked up will be lofted high into the baying crowd and the soggy end used to beat you where it hurts until the baying crowd becomes an exponentially larger anti-you mass. So Brown needs to practise his YouTube camera presence. And then practise again. Learning to smile is good. Smiling in the wrong places is devastating. So he needs to practise unnaturally obsessively until his straight-to-camera ease appears totally natural.

And talking of appearances, this one is for Brown’s PR boys and girls. Gordon really needs to think about the company he keeps. Whilst he momentarily climbed up the greasy polls with a more human appearance on Piers Morgan the other night, he immediately dumped himself amongst a shallowbrity set of peers including Katie Price or Jordan or whoever she is these days, Vinnie Jones and Dannii Minogue.

Perhaps a shame to say it, but it does bring down his brand perception and to half-quote my Old Man, ‘His PR team could have played it better’ – with perhaps an appearance with Paxman or even a special chat with Hard Talk’s Stephen Sackur. Gordon could have communicated his more human side in more credible surroundings – in other words, he needs to choose his battles wisely.

And if there’s just one thing Gordon should remember if nothing else – it’s be yourself in a crowded market. He may not like it but his competition is not just Cameron, it’s his predecessors, most crucially, Tony Blair. And whilst Blair is undoubtedly a bloke who would join the navy so the world could see him, that’s not Brown’s style.

To imitate would be disastrous.

To find, then hammer home the main points of difference could be the key to becoming our next, elected PM.

Is print dying? Or our desire to remember the good things in life?

2010-03-05T10:10:00.007Z

One of the copywriters I follow on that there Twitter thingy pointed me in the direction of @Craigmod and his post about the iPad replacing paperbacks and just for good measure, "good riddance" to 'em.

It's first thing, Friday morning and I now feel slightly queazy.

In @Craigmod's words:

"We’re losing the throwaway paperback.

The airport paperback.

The beachside paperback.

We’re losing the dredge of the publishing world: disposable books. The book printed without consideration of form or sustainability or longevity. The book produced to be consumed once and then tossed. The book you bin when you’re moving and you need to clean out the closet.

These are the first books to go. And I say it again, good riddance."

Sure about that?

If we were losing all that, which I don't think for a minute we will be, I know exactly what I'd be losing:

A rough 'n' ready slab of ideas, thoughts, sillyness, profundity or outlandish imagination that I can pass onto and share with my little girl; an object of inspiration I can later recommend to my boys; a piece of culture I can hand over, whether I get the plot or not, and I can argue the toss over with The Missus over a glass or three of rioja.

I'd be losing a friend I can flick through, fan and ruffle the pages comfortingly like a handful of worry beads as I wait nervously for the plane to carry me off helplessly into the air.

I'd be losing a companion that readily accepts my marginalised pencilled-in little ramblings - our shared secrets together.

I'd be losing a novel that didn't sap me too much on a blazing beach; a book that wouldn't baulk at the blistering temperature or complain about the sand on its spine... or demand a screen for the glare... or insist on the highest levels of security whenever I fancy a dip in the sea.

I'd be losing a curled-up tome I can curl up with when I'm sleepless at 4am; a best friend I can nestle gently onto my other best friend's shoulder as she sleeps on, oblivious.

Books don't have to be disposable. Books can be recycled over and over, take on a life of their own and breathe life into the next few days, months or years for a complete stranger with wonderful schemes such as bookcrossing.

And more importantly, and increasingly so these days, books CAN be printed responsibly and sustainably.

After all, a well-thumbed, battered, bruised and loved book can often be the only sustenance we need.

Will it really change minds?

2010-02-28T22:42:00.008Z

Ok, this post is intended for a crumb of parity but bugger me, The Little Shop Of Stop-The-Traffic Political Slogans must be clean out of brilliant straplines.

The Tories seem to have nipped in just after Labour and taken the last humdinger, 'Vote For Change.'

That's it, everybody. All decent slogans are gone. Thanks for your time. Clear off Clegg. Nothing to see here.

Do I really believe that? No. Because I don't believe in this cynically contrived line.

I don't want to Vote For Change. I've got plenty of the stuff rattling around in my pocket where notes should be. Talking of which, there's nothing noteworthy about voting for change. A change is as good as a rest. So excuse me if I don't vote for a rest when a good hard kick up the arse will do this country more good.

It's just a half-arsed plea that cries, 'Pissed off with years of humbugs? Then try our Lucky Bag. We haven't a clue what's in it but at least it's different.'

I want to vote for hope. For light at the end of the tunnel. For stability. For some policies.

Trouble is, Cameron is that smooth talking sales rep with no product to shift.

And because I've only got change in my pocket, I'm definitely not buying.

Jump to the Ouch view on the Labour campaign line > >

Is 'fair' enough?

2010-02-20T07:10:00.010Z

You’ll be aware that Gordon Brown’s just wheeled in Labour’s new slogan for the forthcoming election, ‘A future fair for all.’

Ok, it’s in stark contrast to what Margaret Thatcher’s campaign line could have been, ‘A future free for all.’

But do you really want ‘fair’?

When Sian Lloyd wafts her spindly fingers, predicting ‘fair’ weather, I slump.

Britain’s grey enough thanks.

‘Fair’ doesn’t cut it. I want a dose of super-double-bloody-brilliant, corking weather that cracks flags and gets kids on front pages stuffing cones in their eager mushes, thanks.

But then again, maybe I’m a selfish product of the Tory/New Labour capitalism, pedalled over the last thirty years. I want good times. I want prosperity. I want sunshine. And I’m prepared to work my arse off for it.

A direct follow on from the enterprising true blue days of the eighties, New Labour (and this tired old Labour), has continued to preside over outrageous consumerism, a credit system built on a platform of jenga and an attitude of pure greed – none more so than with our esteemed MPs themselves.

So excuse me if I scoff at ‘fair.’ Fair sounds like my bloody-well-hard-earned cash is going to be shared out amongst the Migginses – you know, the ones who could never be arsed at school, who expected the state to pay for their six-pack of kids who then wouldn’t take responsibility for the little bleeders trashing the neighbourhood.

The trouble with ‘fair’ is, it just isn’t fair.

No, I’m selfish. I want bright. I want opportunity.

‘Fair’ should be consigned to the dark corners of the Great British bad weather.

Yep, thanks Gordon, but you can stick ‘fair’ where the sun don’t shine.

Jump to the Ouch view on the Tories' campaign line >>

The world needs iSurgery

2010-02-05T07:00:00.002Z

In a week where the world said ‘Goodbye’ to J.D. Salinger, the U.K. said, ‘We don’t really believe you’ to Tony Blair and Barack said, ‘I’m blaming Bush’ to the U.S. all stories were trumped by the arrival of a glowing slab of gizmotry. Even at the expense of updates on the Haiti tragedy.

The world it seems, is getting sicker.

I’ll spare you the in-depth analysis of Apple’s iPad. You’ve probably read about as much as you can take at this point.

No doubt it’ll be the next must-have accessory for the tech-junkies, in much the same way the next cross-breed pit-bull becomes the de rigueur dog for those who choose to sport the polyester of JD Sports.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a Mac evangelist. I go out of my way to convert those poor old pc users, only just drawing the line at invading their dwellings, burning down their Dells and forcing them to start praying at their local Apple reseller. But Apple have misjudged the market and made cock-ups in the past.

And, not quite an iPhone, not quite a MacBook, the iPad strikes me as a solution to a problem that just doesn’t exist.

No doubt it’ll go down a storm with hypochondriacs the world over.

Fifing 'ell, I feel ill

2010-01-22T16:22:00.019Z

Getting Oor Wullie every Sunday. Neeps 'n' tatties. 20-a-side footbaw games. Hiding in the communal bins at the bottom of my granny and granda's Tweed Street flat. My older cousin knocking hell out of me. Getting The Broons every day.

I’ve the fondest memories of sporadically growing up in Fife. I say sporadically because, as my mum, God rest her soul, was from Dunfermline and we lived in Leeds, I spent long but intermittent weeks skirmishing amongst family over the border. Surviving as a Sassenach sprog in Fife became second nature; the superb lilt of east coast Jockanese became my second language.

Which helped me out a good few years later as, having had one too many Tetley’s one night in a Leeds city centre tavern, I was press-ganged into joining Her Madge’s Royal Navy and found myself stationed on a big grey ship docked at Rosyth.

As it was compulsory in the then male-dominated navy to be a great big kid, I now have the pleasure of a second round of fondest memories of growing up again in Fife.

Healthy banter with the dockies. Unhealthy relations with the local ladies. The Gladyer Inn. McEwan’s beer that magically managed acceptability only after a gallon of the stuff. Lorenzo's cattle market. Chip shop owners who battered Mars Bars and pizzas. Local lads who battered English lotharios.

But more importantly great people. People who took the shit weather on their chins and lairy louts like me to their hearts. People who cared enough about each other to say hello through the frost-bitten breeze.

Which is why this ad below for the region, very kindly brought to my attention by Claire, the lady that gies us the ad chat, cuts me to the quick. None of the great people are featured.

The grit of the community.

The soul of the place.

Missing, presumed conveniently shoved out of the way. Replaced by plastic.

Conspicuous by their absence. Which in turn makes me suspicious.

So many forced Hollywood grins instead of natural Holyrood smiles.

So much so, it becomes wallpaper.

In fact wallpaper’s too good. Instead it becomes cheap ‘n’ nasty woodchip – the chips being all those pearly white teeth – covering up the cracks. Covering up the real face of a place that deserves better treatment.

Ok this is an ad to attract people, to garner investment. So I’m not suggesting that Imran pops up, deep frying his cheesecake at the Shalimar on Queensferry Road. Or showing another pound shop closing down in Dumfs. I’m not even suggesting they’ve misinterpreted the ‘real spirit’ the teeth-grating jingle bangs on about because there isn’t a bottle of whisky in sight.

No. I’m merely saying that, because this ad is caked in so much gloss, ladled with so much cheese and battered with so much over-egging, it’s clogging up the arteries of reality. It's become far too unhealthy.

They’ve sucked the very life out of Fife.

Who said January was a miserable month?

2010-01-10T04:57:00.006Z

Things are looking up.

First Wossie sticks in his notice at the Beeb; no more Friday night baby-bound gagfest from the sexist boys' club. No more browbeating that wotsisname, you know... the far-too faithful serf on a Sunday morning.

Then Chris Evans takes over from the Irish rambler on a weekday morning. Channels switched eagerly - back from suffering the half-hourly breakfast loop of 5 Live's Daily-Mail-For-Ears to the now upbeat and optimistic Radio 2 for the journey from bed to bathroom to work.

Of course, I won't be faithful. At that time of morning there's only so much Motown you can take. And Radio 4 will make a suitable refuge as always, but yep, for a freezing cold, grey and dank January - it's not half bad.

Not important?

Well for me it's about the company you keep.

And the company that keeps you.

Campaign? Check. Media? Check. Integration? Oh sh**...

2009-12-19T12:07:00.004Z

The friendly lot where I’m plying my trade at the mo have just brought this lil’ beauty to my attention. And as it’s nearing the festive season, I thought I’d allow myself just one smidgen of puerile fun poking. No ‘arm Guv’nor – especially when the victim sprawling haplessly in the stocks has slyly slinked to get one over on their rivals.

Throwing rotten cabbages and cocking a snook to the competition is electrical retailer, Dixons. Those with a keen eye for any recent marketing endeavours to prise our coins from our consumerist clutch may recall Dixons’ campaign attacking the likes of Harrods, John Lewis and Selfridges.

Forget the fact that the tone of the copy scrapes its nails against all my sensibilities; forget that through the ads, employees of the aforementioned outlets are dealt a snide dig for daring to possess that rarer-than-rocking-horse-shit trait these days of politeness, or achieving more than a couple of GCSE’s in anything else but twokking or stopping grannies' hearts; forget that the consumer who reads the ads is sneered at for having the testicles to even think of venturing into such an emporium of middle class aspiration and simpering niceties; “Oooh no Madam, you wanna get yourself down to Shitsville… that’s right… where you belong dear… a vast repurposed cow shed where, if you can manage to pull each foot off the pre-gummed carpet and you don’t mind the smell of fags, cheap smellies and piss, you’ll feel right at home with an uneducated, disinterested ex-truant who’ll jump on you as soon as you tip a peripheral peek at the playstations – but don’t worry love, they’ll be a good tenner cheaper.”

(Not my opinion of the lovely people at Dixons you understand, but these ads may as well spew this bile from the rafters.)

Oh no, forget all that. Just remember that the campaign concept is a fairly age-old one of ‘Try everywhere else then come to us’; in other words you may as well come to Dixons last because you’ll see we’re cheaper. Fair enough; it’s not rocket science but its simplicity dictates that in most cases it should work.

Unless you forget you can’t just roll out a campaign across all media without a jot of thought. Unless you forget that a campaign tagline must be in context for it to communicate what you actually want to say. Unless you’re in such a rush to get your shiny new pleased-as-punch strapline up on your website nestling next to your logo that you forget it would probably be more suited to a bagel fight in Baghdad sporting nothing but a ‘Bush is Brill’ t-shirt.

Where the bloody hell are those GCSE’s when you need ‘em?

Marketing with the XXXX-off factor

2009-11-24T17:24:00.007Z

Okay, there’s no denying that over-produced talent show The X factor is ingrained in modern popular culture.

There’s also no denying that the UK’s MPs have systematically raped, pillaged and disrespected the country, its bank balance and its populace.

So you’d think that both parties would have a little humility; a little more on their agenda than childish backbiting and cheap shots with no regard whatsoever for the fact that we might want some serious work out of these guys for at least the next century.

Their recent marketing campaigns would wholeheartedly suggest not.

First Labour kicked off featuring David Cameron and George Osbourne, sporting Jedward’s infamous ice-cream cuts.

The half-arsed copy line, ‘You won’t be laughing if they win’ only added injury to the insult.

And I mean insult. I didn’t want to use this blog to rant – it’s the number one schoolboy error of blogging – but I’m pretty XXXXing dismayed.

Dismayed that intelligent people are getting fed this kind of puerile, benefit-bereft drivel; dismayed the party has not had a thought for how they can address the most pressing political concern of the moment and dismayed that anybody in advertising or marketing can even think this worthy of public viewing.

It gets no better I’m afraid. Since the Irish twins have been booted off the X Factor, the Conservatives have wasted no time in launching their own assault. Sorry insult. At least this version, featuring the hapless Brown and Mr. Darling is a slightly, ever so slightly better Photoshop job but both ads belong on the b3ta challenge – a pretty funny site where anyone who knows how to paste an image into a word doc and come up with a line can broadcast their message.

No points whatsoever to the reds or the blues for:

failing to gauge the strength of feeling of the public who can still be arsed to vote
treating us like the little kids they would have us all be
spending oodles on marketing that doesn’t communicate one iota of a single benefit
not having one ounce of humility and spending the cash on trying to go at least a little way in redressing the balance of the bled-dry balance books
not even giving one brain cell over to how this might project brand Labour or brand Conservative
achieving the mutually assured destruction of simultaneously looking like the bunch of clowns they all are.

Full points to both agencies concerned however, for:

extracting even more taxpayer’s dosh on something that, quite frankly wouldn’t get in the portfolio of a six year old.

The awful truth (Sultan of Ikea part 6)

2009-11-20T14:13:00.004Z

Part 5 here.

Okay, got my card number and phoned Ikea again.

‘Right thanks Mr. Caleb. We’ll look for your receipt and when we find it, we’ll send round an inspector to look at your mattress.’

What? After all this, you still don’t believe me? And you’ve got a squad of SS mattress inspectors?

Do I have to get the house cleaned? Polish my shoes? My God, I’ve got a slightly prominent nose and a Jewish sounding surname - will I escape from the inspection with my life?

Brand tOuch score out of ten: minus 10. Hopes: that the execution will be short and painless.

To be continued…

The visit to the store (Sultan of Ikea part 5)

2009-11-10T14:10:00.001Z

Part 4 here.

‘What, they told you to bring a photo?’

(Groan)

‘They said that would be okay? And this statement isn’t enough. I’m afraid we need the card number that went with the purchase.’

Is it Ikea policy to employ liars at the battery farm? At the moment, I’m guessing so.

Okay, so I need to contact Halifax again and see if they can find the card number from 5 years ago for me. At this point I’m thinking, this Ikea lady is staring me in the face and potentially saying I’m trying to scam a mattress from them. Or at the very least that I may not have purchased the said mattress. I obviously look like a bloke who’d happily accept a second hand mattress from someone. Thanks a bunch.

Brand tOuch score out of ten: 4. Hopes: Fading.

Right. Stiff upper, press on. Phoned Halifax who said, ‘Ooooh no…oooo…. We can’t give you that kind of information over the phone. You’ll have to go into a branch and request it.

Reluctantly left the Ikea store empty handed (ie; no new mattress) and drove the 15 miles back to my Halifax branch.

‘What, they told you that you needed to go into your branch…?’

Is it Halifax policy to employ liars at the Halifax farm?

‘Customer services could have got you they information, they just try to send more people in branch…’

Her exact words. Apparently it is Halifax policy to employ liars at the Halifax farm.

Impromptu Halifax Brand tOuch score out of ten: 0, nada, zilch. Hopes: I’ll eventually lose the will to live.

To be continued…

Good brand tOuch – Kwik Fit

2009-11-05T20:59:00.009Z

It’s 8:05 pm and I’ve just come off the phone to a lady from the Kwik Fit customer call centre. My, those Indians are far better at the Glasgee accent than the Glaswegians! She rang me to enquire whether I was satisfied with the service I’d received at their Shipley garage.

A little background: For a couple of weeks I’ve been hooking up my Ford Focus to the missus’s Galaxy just to get it started (amazing how much power there is in a bar of chocolate.) Eventually after a meeting in Bradford I had to suffer the indignity of pushing my old banger out of the company’s car park, half-in, half-out of the driver’s door, then hopping in, John Wayne stylee at the optimum time - all in front of a near 2,000 strong workforce. Now even though I say it myself, in a bucket of rust that takes balls of steel.

Long story short, upon sighting the welcome blue and yellow sign of Kwik Fit in my peripheral vision I hand-braked in to the forecourt without an indication to my name – after all, it’s absolute gospel that using your indicator when your battery isn’t charging increases your chances of stalling… isn’t it?

Anyway, my good brand tOuch tale is not about the service I received from the fitters, but from the call I’ve just received from Gloria Glasgee. It went something like this:

GG. Just wanted to say thank you for using our garage in Shipley.

Me. Er, that’s okay, thanks for having me.

GG. Just enquiring as to whether you were happy with the service.

Me. Er yes, yes I was actually, very good, thank you.

GG. Oh that’s great. Do you think there’s anything else we could have done to improve the service?

Me. Ummm, no… no I really don’t think so. (If I was being totally brutal, a couple of the lads could have smiled a bit more, but hey, I’d rather have fast, efficient service over false mateyness any day.)

So there you have it. A nice courteous call, relevant and specific to my experience and blow me, the phone even rang after I’d safely packed the rugrats off to Slumberland. Okay, I’ve got a fair idea how Gloria knew I’d visited the Shipley garage for a new battery, but how the hell did she know I was a dad of three?

Blimey, they’re good.

Not so good brand tOuch – Kwik Fit

This has got to be a record. Good brand tOuch followed by not so good in the space of one minute 35 seconds; with the same brand; in the same phone call.

Gloria from Glasgow then went on to say, ‘Just while you’re on Sir…’ Hang on, I wasn’t on, you were! ‘Just wondered if you knew that Kwik Fit do car insurance and we’re offering customers a 10% discount…’

Oh dear. My momentary Kwik Fit fizz went as flat as my old car battery in an instant. Deflated, I explained I wasn’t interested and got on with pondering how naïve I’d been thinking that a commercial organisation might possibly have seen some longer-term value in simply enquiring after their customers’ interests.

I must admit though, Kwik Fit did warm me up nicely with their opening gambit before bringing me down by trying to upsell me in the second part.

Those sneaky Kwif Fit f***ers! *

* That’s fitters to you.

The statements are back (Sultan of Ikea part 4)

2009-11-04T14:07:00.001Z

Part 3 here. Statements arrived from Halifax. Expected them to be gold plated but strangely, no such luck. Found an Ikea entry and duly rang the battery farm again.

‘Okay, Mr Caleb, that should be fine. Can you bring the mattress in?’

‘Well, I could…’ At least they’d see how so unworthy it is of a 25 year guarantee.

‘Er it’s okay… can you take some photos of it?’

‘Sure…’

‘Right, that should be fine. Just bring a photo in with your statement and that will be fine.’

‘Brilliant, thanks for your time.’ That, I think counts as a result.

Brand tOuch score out of ten: 8.5. Hopes: Rising.

To be continued…

Publicise or be damned

2009-10-31T11:55:00.001Z

As someone who's cracked out more direct mail than you can wave a DL envelope at, the irony of an organisation in the communications industry on strike is not lost on me (unlike most of my love letters from Bouncy Knowles right now). The Royal Mail not only seems to refuse to embrace the future, it balks at the mere thought of even to talking to it. Mulling over this incongruity reminded me of an agency I did a spell with a while back in the capacity of CD. As I was there for a fair old time my commitment to the company cause was stronger than that of a quick project crafting a letter for a direct client and I began to take issue with the Board on one particularly thorny point. Yup, you guessed it, my pet subject of the moment; communication.

Now, if you're the MD of an agency that I've worked with and thinking, 'Hey, that's me you infidel...' don't get all paranoid - unless you're reading this from a distant place where the average temperature is slightly higher than nipple-erecting and Yorkshirish is definitely not the native tongue. And if you’re just wondering who the hell this agency is, you know confidentiality is my only currency.

So what did I notice in my short, but long-enough time there? Well firstly, I was aware that the company had a fairly high and frequent turnover of staff. I then soon became aware that the people who were there for the duration weren’t there out of commitment to the cause but just glad to be in work. Who wouldn’t be in these Spartan times? Then, like a lot of things that come in threes, I noticed the humdinger; this organisation did not hold any company meetings. Not one. Nada. Zilcho. My God, they didn’t even hold production meetings but don’t get me started on that.

Naturally, as a concerned and (albeit temporarily) committed member of the team, I queried with the Board the reasons behind the lack of information-sharing with the rest of the staff. And, like a Jack Russell with a serious bone of contention and a heavy dose of small-dog syndrome, I did this more times than I care to remember in the short time I was plying my trade there. Here are some of the responses I got:

“We’re not here to have a get-together, we’re here to service our clients.”

“What do they need to know? They get their briefs. They do the work.”

“They’re not the people who make the decisions.”

“Why take up valuable time chatting when we should improving the standard of our work?”

So why did all this matter to me? Why do those of you that do know me now see why I’ve got one or two more grey hairs than I had just a little while back?

Because, you know where this is going. Or more to the point, you have a fair idea where this company is going. That’s right, absolutely nowhere.

Because if you don’t involve your staff, it will feel uninvolved. People will believe they’re on the fringe because that’s right where you’re sticking them. And as such, they’ll naturally break away from the core group. If you don’t tell your people where the agency is going how can you ever expect them to drive in the right direction? If you don’t explain where the company could do better, how do you propose to improve in those areas? Or expect others who are doing well to step in and help? If you omit to reward success why should people strive for its dizzy heights again? If you don’t nurture the idea of individuals talking about the different work they’re producing in the name of the company how can you expect the cross-pollination of great ideas over different sectors and media to flourish? If you don’t take your people with you, how can you expect to create a brand that will be great, that will have serious equity and that you can sell to future clients and owners alike? The answer is you can’t.

Just like many of the clients this industry works with, you can’t ever hope to build an attractive, fully-rounded brand that future stakeholders and management teams will be crawling over themselves to inherit without your biggest brand asset – your people. It’s your people who have to live and breathe your brand values; your people that deliver your brand to the outside world. Yes, you may produce decent work from time to time but eventually that will suffer the symptoms of a conveyor belt of personnel delivering it. And yes, you may have an enviable client list but hey, that’s made up of people too – people who’ll soon cotton on to ever-changing account handlers and an inconsistent creative product.

So, if your exit strategy is to go on to bigger and better things or even if you’re hoping to spend the rest of your days on a lilo in Lloret nursing a pina colada, the only way to leave your agency in great shape for a sale and subsequent success is to lead your people to victory through the power of communication.

Ouch tip #999: If you’re raring to go for your next company get-together, remember you haven’t employed a bunch of accountants – avoid doing the financials in Swahili.

Tweet. Welcome to the world of self harm - agency branch

2009-10-28T15:25:00.007Z

How strange. Agencies spend a bucket-load of time (and cash) building up their reputations, their credentials and their client base. Then along comes a relatively new and spangly thing that the very same agencies seem desperate to be seen to be using before a) fully understanding its implications and b) setting any kind of guidelines to staff. So desperate in fact, that all sensibility seems to have been knocked off its perch. Yes, I’m talking Twitter.

Now I guess this is aimed mainly at MDs, Board members and other seriously committed individuals within the organisation but I’m afraid it’s time to get a grip. The amount of tweets I’ve witnessed chirping from agencies all branded up with their lovely logo (a logo that, knowing how agencies work on their own work, also probably took a bucket-load of time, and tears to design) but are actually voiced by individuals expressing their own thoughts and opinions beggars belief.

Obviously, no names mentioned here but recent tweets, badged up with agency emblems, using agency names have included, “Oh no, Monday already”, “Feel like 5hit today, creativity’s gonna suffer” and “Can’t believe the X Factor result last night.”

Don't get me wrong; there are plenty of individuals out there representing their organisations brilliantly. And I’m freelancing right now so why should it bother me? Because the feeling I have for this industry runs as deep as I was when I was knocking out 12-14 hours a day as a Creative Director; because it hurts to see an industry that’s already suffering giving itself one more kick in the budgies and because… hello… you should know a damn sight better. You’re in marketing right? Brand perception?

The solution? Communication. Remember that? It’s what you do. Get everyone together and lay down a few ground rules:

Tweet by all means as an individual who just happens to work at an upbeat, lively and radical agency
Make it obvious your tweets are YOUR tweets and not those of your company
Decide whether you are actually tweeting as a fully branded up organisation and set up the following:

At least two key stakeholders who can vet each other’s outpourings
A consistent tone of voice
A clear reason as to why you’re using this medium in the first place
Objectives for what you want your tweets to achieve
An understanding that once it’s out there, it’s out there for all to see and, perhaps more importantly, for clients and potential clients to form their own perceptions.

Because guess what: I’m guessing they don’t give two hoots about your views on the X Factor but they may be very interested to hear that a heavy weekend has lead to your staff not feeling as chirpy about their account as they should be.

The expensive phone call (Sultan of Ikea part 3)

2009-10-19T14:02:00.001+01:00

Part 2 here. Right on to my bank for the statements. Simple enough task? If only. With two potential bank accounts and two card holders (The Missus and me) trying to second guess what date 5 years ago we bought the Sultan on, what with and by whom was the devil’s only job. And with Halifax charging £10 (that’s right, a whole tenner) for each statement request, this was like Russian Roulette for tightarses – such as myself. Anyway, took an out-and-out gamble and asked for nearly three years worth of statements on the normal bank account. A friendly Halifax rep slipped his hand in my back pocket and made me ten pounds lighter. (I always sweat profusely when any man puts their hand in my back pocket).

To be continued…

The promising phone call (Sultan of Ikea part 2)

2009-10-17T13:57:00.003+01:00

P art 1 is here. Phoned up Ikea, Leeds. Got a zillion recorded options that I absolutely love; “If you’d like to speak to anything but a human being, hold, on you’re in luck, we’ve got a trillion options that all send you back to the same battery farm.”

Excellent.

Anyway, finally got through to a friendly lady, and explained my pitiful plight. Rather encouragingly, she mentioned that I didn’t need my receipt. A bank statement showing we’d made a substantial purchase at Ikea would be enough. Right, game on. Thank you for your time – you’ve almost made my year (you know I don’t get out much.)

Brand tOuch score out of ten: 7. Hopes: Optimistic.

To be continued…

The Sunken Sultan

2009-10-15T12:38:00.002+01:00

I’ve got a bit of a problem in the bedroom department. Problem is, it dips in the middle. It looks a bit sad and withering. The Missus refuses to touch it with a barge pole.

Our Sultan mattress from Ikea has developed a great, sunken dip. You’d think with a name like Sultan, it would be strong, mighty even… and provide a right royal night’s kip. Not so. Not anymore. Mind you, we’ve had it nearly five years now. But that’s not the point.

The Sultan from Ikea comes with regal guarantee of 25 years.

Cue consumer battle. Cue a customer services test for one of the biggest home furnishing retailers in the universe. And, as I’ve been daft enough to lose my receipt, cue a potential nightmare for yours truly whose back is already starting to buckle under the strain.

So, to test the burgeoning brand that is Ikea, I thought it would be good to provide little snippets of my anticipated long-drawn out process in trying to get my mattress replaced on the basis of the whopping 25 year guarantee. So if you want to follow my progress and more importantly the performance of Ikea, just check back from time to time and you’ll discover this saga has a whole category of its own – The Sultan of Ikea. Wish me luck.

To be continued...

Advertising? Put your mouth where your money is

2009-10-13T23:17:00.005+01:00

A friend of mine is lucky enough to be getting his first book published. Let me rephrase that right away; a friend of mine has expended the right amount of blood, sweat and tears, whilst supporting a full-scale family unit with 2.2, to be able to finally get his book published.

Fair play. This news came to me as I still sit on 16 chapters of a novel after four years. Nevertheless, I still consider myself lucky enough in these hard times to be starting on three major new product campaigns for a global brand with up to 3,000 staff at its UK headquarters.

Just before I went away with my own troop to Center Parcs, my friend asked what approach he could possibly take on the advertising and publicising of his new novel. I said that, whilst chasing red squirrels and a rare and sublime two minutes’ peace here and there, I’d have a think.

All that week amongst the stunning Cumbrian backdrop of Whinfell Forest it became blindingly obvious to me. To a man, to a woman, every single member of staff was exemplary in the execution of their work (and let’s face it, if we’re talking blood, sweat and tears here, putting up with 500 holidaying families week in, week out is real work). A couple of examples; despite my protestations, the missus ordered me to call the Service Centre after a mouse sighting in our living room – not for extra cheddar but to see what our eviction options were. In less than ten minutes a lovely lady was round with some humane traps for Ronny rodent and a bottle of red for red-faced yours truly. Nice touch. She also offered us a lodge upgrade to an executive number with a sauna and hot tub. Very tempting but with three rug rats under four, we naturally couldn’t be arsed moving. However, the good intention from Center Parcs was there. Hiring the obligatory bikes and Ben Hur-style chariot was a heart-warming experience too. The chap was more than happy to explain the nuts and bolts of it all and even gave us a good lower-option-for-the-sorry-troop-that-drags-its-heels-and-doesn’t-hire-‘til mid-week price. Now that’s more than fair enough.

And I tell you it was like this every day, everywhere we went throughout the 500acre oasis. I wouldn’t have been surprised to have been handed a free gin ’n’ tonic on my way down the Canyon Ride at the pool – if I’d have been able to remove my hands from my crotch, that is. Suffice to say that the good people of Center Parcs were almost Stepford Wives-ish in their customer service diligence.

The sardonic old bugger in me asked, “Why?”

The marketer in me answered, “Think about it. You’ve got 500 families in every week, each with an average of at least two people who can then pass on their experiences to fellow holiday budget holders. And that ready-made free advertising base has a weekly churn, 51 weeks of the year. From a brand point of view, times what's going on in Cumbria by four other UK Center Parcs sites and it's not to be sniffed at by any means.”

Cynical? Maybe. True? Definitely.

Trust will always be King
This notion was further reinforced whilst still on holiday when I received a weak signal dodging through the pines on my mobile. An ex MD wanted the low-down on a colleague I used to work with at another agency before he went to the effort of getting the guy in. After all why use email or snail mail when you can get a straightforward answer over the phone from someone you trust? You can grasp the honesty from the tone, pick out the truth from the very existence of the relationship. This never more true than on the very day an Actimel TV ad has been banned by the ASA for lying. Yup, they claimed it could prevent illness. In my book, that's a bare-faced whopper that deserves to be scrapped for its sheer dishonesty. Danone have now gone down in my trust stakes and no doubt the estimations of thousands of others. I want to know the score straight from people who've not only experienced what I'm considering, but who are also prepared to put their reputations on something with a big, fat endorsement. Just as the old saying, 'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King' goes, so too in marketing it should follow that, 'In the land of the shark-infested overclaim, the warm and furry trust mouse will always win out.'

So what will I be advising my fledgling author pal regarding his approach to advertising? Exactly the same thing I’ll be saying to my client with 3,000 staff: before you go blowing your marketing budget on unsolicited ads in untested media, tell every last man, woman and child you know about your launch and get them to pass it on because there never has, and never will be any substitute for good old word of mouth.

Running the thin line between good PR and bad PR

2009-09-26T04:35:00.003+01:00

I was getting in touch with my gay side whilst working on some fashion-based concepts for a lovely bunch of people north of the city. Subliminally, I must have also been getting in touch with my youthful side as I sat in front of my mac with a full fat coke on my desk and screaming dayglo orange trainers on my feet. Yup, at my age I should know better.

I took a double take at the limited edition can and noticed that it was promoting Peace One Day (POD). If you think about it, the ‘genius’ of the back-to-basics design created by Attik allows plenty of scope for a plethora of ongoing promotions. Founded by film maker Jeremy Gilley in 1999, POD drives peace initiatives around the world, many of which have included world leaders such as Kofi Annan, the Dalai Lama and Shimon Peres.

Maybe it was a slug of coke that triggered the synapses but I then performed another double take; this time at my luminescent shoes and the three crinkle-cut stripes that adorned each side. It was then the old grey matter really got into gear and remembered an event that should have received far more publicity than it actually did.

Adidas, giant of the sportswear world was playing a football match against Puma, giant of the sportswear world. Great idea you say, but why all the fuss? Well, it’s not until you delve a little deeper into the history of these two monumental brands that you realise there’s a little more to it than a simple kickabout on the park with jumpers for goalposts.

In the town of Herzogenaurach, northern Bavaria where the two companies were founded, the match is being hailed as the end of the Battle of the Boot.

Thing is, back in the 1920s, that small Bavarian town was home to the Dasslers - a happy family, consisting of Adolf (Adi) and Rudolf (Rudi) Dassler – two sons of a master cobbler. Pretty soon, the two brothers started to display their own talent for turning leather into highly effective sports shoes.

Adi, in particular, designed spiked running shoes and was responsible for helping Jesse Owens win four gold medals in the 1936 Olympics in Berlin.

By now, a successful sports shoe company was firmly established in Herzogenaurach. The good news story didn’t last however when a feud broke out between the two siblings. Anecdotes suggest that things kicked off (sorry) when Adi and his family were sheltering from an Allied air raid. “There come those Schweinehunde,” he shouted when his brother’s family entered the shelter. He tried to explain later that the “pig dogs” insult referred to the RAF bombers rather than his relations, but with a comment like that in public, the damage had been done.

Later Rudi, a fully paid-up member of the Gestapo, became a US prisoner of war, whilst Adi, more than happy to do business with Jewish firms, was in full control of the factory and unwilling to make much space for Rudi on his return. The two went their separate ways with Rudi opening a new factory on the other side of the Aurach river to his brother’s Adidas factory. First it was called Ruda but this was replaced by the sportier sounding moniker, Puma. Both Adidas and Puma are now major employers in the cobblestoned town of 23,200 residents.

As the feud intensified between the sporting giants over the years, both companies invested fortunes, attempting to outbid each other for superstar endorsements; David Beckham, Muhammad Ali and Madonna all wore Adidas; Pele, Boris Becker and Usain Bolt were signed by Puma.

Tales are rife from the 1960s and 70s of sabotage, underhand scheming and of Olympic athletes being handed secret payments to wear one of the rival brands.

But just last week in a momentous reconciliation the two companies met on the football pitch in support of Peace One Day.

The result? A blinding spot of positive PR for both brands. Or, should people be more inspired by this story than Puma bargain for and unearth the company’s links to the Third Reich, potentially a lot of negative publicity. As for the overall competition: may the best team win.

Council in driving seat for service innovation

2009-09-21T22:12:00.006+01:00

A recent expansion of the family has filled the home with more than its fair share of love, laughter, stress and noise. With that infusion, space becomes a seriously premium commodity. Especially as chaos reigns supreme over the King of Disorganisation (that’s me).

I scored a major victory against the chaos the other day with a bit of lateral thinking. The missus would tell you it’s a very minimal, teeny weeny victory, but hey I’m a bloke, so I’m rightly proud.

We, the Royal ‘We’ that is, needed space; a space to list everything required on our next shop – pretty essential when your key skills are forgetting the baps on a bacon butty breakfast run. But when I tell you that, in our kitchen there isn’t a spare inch that isn’t covered with a cardboard moon rocket or a handprint spider you hopefully get the idea that we’re pretty damn short of somewhere to stick any kind of notice board. Until, that is Captain Creativity steps in (sorry, that’s the bloke talking again) and remembers that amongst the similar state of chaos in the garage, there’s an old tin of blackboard paint. See where I’m going with this? Yes, the back of a cupboard door. Here’s the clever blokey bit: not just the back of any old door, but the single most visited cupboard in our kitchen’s history – packed full of dried herbs, spices and toddler-bribes (that’s breadsticks and dried apricots to you and me.) Yup - it’s now covered in a splash of the black stuff - a spangly new chalkboard that never lets a tin of beans, bread or a crate of beer slip through the net of havoc. Amount of space taken up in the kitchen? In terms of volume, approximately 0.0002m³. Amount of items left off the next shop? Exactly none. Genius.

And talking of space, lateral thinking and downright great innovation, the Council of The Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead has just scored a direct hit. The Council registered itself as a seller on eBay and is putting parking permits for guaranteed parking spaces under the hammer.

Initially, only three-month permits are up for grabs, but if successful, the authority hopes to extend the scheme to provide six and twelve-month contracts.

A reserve will be placed on each auctioned permit to ensure that the Council doesn’t make a loss. However, in true eBay style, it could still be possible to obtain a permit cheaper on the site than directly from the Council, officials said. The reserve price has yet to be fixed.

Councillor Colin Rayner, cabinet member for Highways and Streetcare, said the idea came about after the Tory council successfully sold a surplus of old workmen's boots and gloves on eBay. This they had to do for three months, in compliance with eBay rules, before they could become a corporate seller. Fair play to them; I haven’t even got my backside in gear yet to get my pine furniture, unused tools and children’s toys out of the garage mayhem, never mind under the online hammer.

Councillor Rayner continued, "Most motorists want to be able to find a parking space quickly in the mornings on their way to the office and this scheme will guarantee the same space for the same car every day for the duration of their contract.

"It’s all about providing a premium service for motorists. As a council we are committed to signing up to the use of new media to communicate our messages to our residents and we are hoping the use of eBay will take our message to more residents and make this scheme a successful one.”

The campaign will be launched with adverts on eBay explaining other incentives, including constant CCTV surveillance and free weekly car wash vouchers for successful bidders.

I loved this story when I first stumbled across it because it made me realise, rather like my ‘genius’ blackboard idea, you don’t necessarily have to look for new things to provide great service solutions; you can always innovate with the stuff that’s already around you.

10 steps to permanently damage your own institutional brand in less than a year

2009-09-20T07:25:00.002+01:00

1. Ensure you’re a publicly funded body.

2. Use a huge chunk of that capital to vastly overpay a mediocre performer – ensuring said ‘artist’ has a one-trick-pony style stock in trade – namely puerile, sexist, schoolboy humour.

3. Use one of your prime products (in this case, Strictly Come Dancing) to get tens of thousands of the public (who, remember, are both your funders and your customers) to needlessly spend money phoning-in votes that will not count a jot as the producers have already decided the outcome.

4. Make sure you’re including all your target audience in your plan of self-destruction: Use a lesser product (preferably in another area of interest, say cooking), such as Saturday Kitchen to create the perception of a live phone-in when in actual fact, the result is another done deal. Again this will get your customers to needlessly spend money, not to mention betray your core audience’s trust.

5. If by now, you don’t think you’re doing enough damage to your own brand, go for the one area that should be an absolute taboo: Children. Use another prime product, this time from the kids’ range - Blue Peter is a great choice for mass exposure. Hoodwink thousands of six to thirteen year olds into thinking they still have a chance of winning a competition, when in actual fact the producers have already chosen the ‘winners’ from little angels who happen to be on set.

6. Not done yet? Well how about getting the aforementioned overpaid one-trick pony to get together with an equally immature ass and pull an obscene stunt on one of the nation’s best-loved performers? A victim such as Andrew Sachs would garner plenty of public outcry from the masses.

7. Continue to bleat about the Government’s attempts to rejuvenate the commercial broadcasting sector in opening up more avenues of revenue with product placement and suchlike, claiming for the umpteenth time that yours is a brand that doesn’t advertise. This, despite the fact (and this is one of my personal favourites) that, with a massive array of channels, programmes and events to publicise, you are one of broadcasting’s biggest advertisers.

8. Allow one of your main channel’s controllers, the very talented Lesley Douglas (who just happens to be responsible for dragging Radio 2 and thousands of happy listeners into the 21^st Century), to leave the organisation, whilst the aforementioned pony gets a measly and insulting 3 month unpaid ban.

9. All that a bit so-last year? Well why not bring things bang up to date by introducing another fly-in-the-face-of your-public debacle on your latest flagship product? Namely, against all sensibility and sensible opinion, replace Arlene Phillips with Alesha Dixon. One is a choreographer of many top West End shows, talent scout and former dancer; the other is a singer who happens to have won the show once.

10. Repeat any of the above steps as often as you like, whilst ensuring a real lack of two things: strong leadership at Board level and real empathy with your audience.

Please note, I’ve nothing against Alesha Dixon – in fact I’m currently wincing at the backlash she’ll endure over the forthcoming weeks – it’s not her fault, but the sages who chose eye candy over insight, fluff over experience.

On a more positive note however, I’d like to offer my simple 3-point plan to get the BBC’s once mighty brand back on track – and back in favour with the great British, and indeed, global public:

1. Jordan to replace furniture expert Jon Bly on The Antiques Roadshow. She’d be just the job at comparing mahogany chests.

2. Jack Tweed, husband of the late Jade Goody to replace any one of the real-life coppers on Crimewatch UK. An inside job if ever there was one.

3. Gordon Brown to replace Michael McIntyre on his brilliant series. So yes, it would now become Gordon Brown’s Comedy Roadshow.

If anyone from the Beeb would like to consult me further on the above advice, I’m available Tuesdays and Thursdays after nine-ish. Failing that, if they could do just one thing that all great brands should do, it would form the basis of a massive turnaround: You expect your customers to watch you, so start listening to your customers.

Will Ikea go back to the Futura?

2009-09-18T07:32:00.006+01:00

As Kevin Roberts, CEO Worldwide of Saatchi & Saatchi, reports, Ikea have caused a bit of a storm by making a change in the way they communicate with us. After 50 years of hard work, gone is the customized version of Futura to make way for Verdana. Sound familiar? Well that’s because Verdana is one of those so-called ‘web-safe’ fonts so it’s pretty standard on the Net and probably the machine on which you’re reading this.

Designed by Matthew Carter and included by Microsoft as part of their operating system, Verdana quickly spread like a rash through most Office software applications and Internet Explorer on both Mac OS and Windows way back in 1996. According to Wikipedia (yeah, I know), Verdana is available on 97.46% of all Windows and 94.13% of the world’s Macs, making it the 5th and 6th most common font respectively.

And therein lies the flashpoint of this storm, (currently being driven by on online petition to reinstate Futura) at least for the design denizens and typeface snobs, that is. And as I write this slightly irked by the fact it will appear in Arial rather than the far more elegant Helvetica, I guess I count myself amongst those cocking a snoop. Created purely to play ball on the Internet, Verdana holds little sway with designers. The same designers and indeed a wider communication-savvy community, who have come to love Ikea’s ethos of stylish, low-budget products for all. The emotional ties that Ikea have established with millions cannot be understated. How many of us have set up our first homes with functional flat-packs and great looking household stuff; stuff that keeps us braving the horrendous weekend crowds even now in our should-know-better middle age?

That love has nurtured a relationship with the public since Ikea’s inception in 1943. And with the seemingly harmless introduction of Verdana as Ikea’s main body font, I think many feel that trust has been dented.

Will the outcry and accompanying online petition, currently running at around 6,000 signatures, make Ikea reverse their decision and stick with the much more appropriate, Swedish-speaking Futura? Who knows, but there is definitely one huge positive that Ikea can take out of all the furore: it has proved that consumers feel they own the Ikea brand. And when there is that depth of feeling, you know you’re a big-league brand that’s well and truly part of the family.

We’re getting spammed on telly

2009-09-16T07:18:00.017+01:00

As Tristan O'Carroll reported a couple of days ago in mediaweek, Ben Bradshaw, our culture secretary is expected to reverse the Government’s opposition to product placement later this week at the Royal Television Society convention in Cambridge.

This news has been heartily welcomed by ITV. Apparently, Bradshaw will ‘outline a timetable for a consultation into plans to allow product placement on TV based on certain rules regarding the frequency of placements.’

Just read that last sentence again. That sounds like something might happen in… oh around May 2035. And God knows, what with an onslaught of dodgy digital channels and its own investment into crap programmes, ITV needs as much help as it can get right now. And that help may well come in the form of an estimated £35m that Ofcom says product placement could generate over the next five years in the UK. Of course, the BBC, it’s been argued, will not be one of the main benefactors, but who cares? They’ve been pulling the wool over licence payers’ eyes for years by hammering us all with their own advertising for this channel, that channel, this season, that online project.

But on the subject of pulling the wool over consumers’ eyes, who the hell do ITV (and our Government for that matter) think they’re trying to kid? Check this statement, released this week from ITV: "If the Government does decide to permit product placement, it will be warmly welcomed by the commercial broadcasting industry and advertisers alike. ITV plc has led the campaign for product placement in the UK, which could be an important new revenue stream - as it already is in Europe. Reforming the UK prohibition would also be a welcome acknowledgement of the pressures currently faced by an industry in transition. New sources of revenue mean better funded content, which can only be good news for viewers."

If you’re going to give the green light on product placement, fair enough – it’s simply another viable channel option in what should be any brand’s integrated marketing mix. But don’t tell us you’re just thinking about it. You’ve been spamming us for ages with product placement, as this clip from last Friday’s Coronation Street shows to Ouchrageous effect.

 
Ouch rule of marketing, #531: Market to us by all means but do it relevantly, and most importantly, do it honestly.

Footnote: You’ll notice at the top of this I wrote ‘Ben Bradshaw, our culture secretary’ and not, ‘Ben Bradshaw, the culture secretary.’ That’s because our MPs are supposed to work for us, not the Government, or themselves for that matter.

Britain is a nation of great microbrands

2009-09-15T07:20:00.003+01:00

Sad but I don’t get much more pleasure than seeing the pull of a great big juicy brand in action; musing over what it is that gets the juices flowing; what they’ll do next to innovate. Brands like Howies for instance that, whilst they do sell good quality clothing, bang out a lot of merchandise from their campervan through sheer personality and strong projection of their values; brands like Apple who through outstanding design, illuminating innovation and an extremely charismatic CEO, persuade people to part with a little more cash than they really need to (I still mention Apple despite my Macbook's battery popping last week.)

But right now I’d like to celebrate the one-man bands, the husband-and-wife teams and the old school-friend partners who, for me, are still the backbone, not only of our economy, but of our sanity. I’m talking about the people who, through their very names, keep our collective peckers up with a smile; the Trim&Propers, the Beauty Spots, the Floristry Commissions of this world and of course, the three crackers you see here. All in their own way projecting a brand personality through their name, their staff and their service; laurels, which by very dint of their size, they can never rest on in the daily fight to keep the customers coming back for more.

It was only a matter of time

2009-09-10T21:55:00.010+01:00

As posted on the great Adverblog, there’s a lot of hoo-haa going on about the supposed ad from DDB Brazil for WWF, and more discussion around the never-forgotten 9/11 outrage and tsunami disaster. It started life as a print ad but now a full commercial has reared its very ugly head, which isn't making things any easier for WWF.

Well it’s certainly getting people talking – one of the main objectives of many campaigns – and I couldn’t help but be sucked in to the debate.

Extremely bad taste or not (and personally I agree with the people who say this subject should not be touched out of respect for every single person affected by the 9/11 tragedy) the concept does not work for this reason:

The fact that our planet is supremely powerful is not reason enough to take care of it. The reasons we should take care of our planet are manifold including the fact it's our home for generations to come, it's home to just about every other living thing we know and as well as being beautiful in some places, it needs our undivided attention in many other areas.

Adolf Hitler was powerful for God's sake - should we have taken care of him? 'Yeah, too bloody right we should have taken care of him' I hear you cry, 'before he got chance to take care of himself'. Ill-thought-through concept I'm afraid, as well as being poor taste in the extreme. And talking of Hitleresque bad taste you could argue my latest YouTube shenanigans is bad taste. Does the fact that this human tragedy happened many more years ago make lampooning now acceptable? You decide.

Not so good brand tOuch - LCC

2009-09-06T08:03:00.003+01:00

At my age, a certain condition takes over your body that forces you to peek out of the window every now and then. The other morning, it was bin collection day, which rather excitingly, gave me extra incentive for a bit of curtain twitching.

There was my green bin being duly emptied but then I clapped eyes on our neighbour’s being somewhat pillaged and one or two items thrown onto the grass verge by the grump in the dayglo jacket. When I finally got my sorry self ready for work and out onto the drive I noticed the said items weren’t of the correct recyclable nature. Okay, fair enough, slightly naughty neighbour, but come on, don’t people pay their taxes to get some sort of customer service on a human level? Surely a service that expects people to behave like robots could quite easily be performed by robots.

I’d love to get my hands on the Leeds City Council brand because like every other Council in the land, it’s an organisation that has the opportunity to touch so many people’s lives in a positive way but just as many chances to make a bit of a mess of it.

Good brand tOuch - ECC

2009-09-06T07:51:00.006+01:00

My missus says my 20 year old Muddy Fox is not fit for sticking our three year old daughter on the back to ride pillion. So I’ve had to park the trusty boneshaker I’ve been riding for donkey’s in favour of a newer model. No, not the wife, the bike. Handily, there’s an Edinburgh Cycle Cooperative just up the road from me, full of extremely helpful and knowledgeable staff – you can tell they don’t take people on who aren’t geekishly into bikes. Apparently, all new bikes need tweaking and adjusting after six weeks and I was told to expect a postcard through my door on a certain date informing me that my free maintenance check was due.

True to their word and bang on time, ECC sent my reminder and now all I have to do is take my new baby in, discuss any issues and they’ll tweak it to perfect running order. They build up their email and postal database every time a new customer tips up but they also use it, not to pester previous customers, but to offer value, which of course reinforces the fact that a new bike is not just for the first six weeks, but for life.

Banksing on keeping everyone happy?

2009-09-01T07:36:00.004+01:00

Bristol Council has adopted a new policy to deal with the city’s burgeoning graffiti prob... I was going to say problem, but of course many Bristolians don’t view it as a negative issue. For many, it adds to the city’s allure; its attraction; its edge if you will.

You can see why. How many people have taken the tour round Brussels to see the magical Hergé characters and murals that adorn walls and back alleys – now ingrained in the city’s culture? And if he isn’t already, surely Bristol’s own Banksy should be a part of the culture. Or do we all have to arrogantly wait for him (or her) to pop (his) or her clogs until they become fondly remembered?

Like it or not, through the humble spray can, the artists of Bristol have layered another level of personality onto the city's image and indeed, its brand. The most famous is already responsible for not only raising the profile of Bristol, but also boosting the economy. And Banksy tours will be taking place on open topped buses within a decade I promise you. As a proud citizen of a famous northern town headed up by a stiff-lipped Council, I admire the boys and girls of Bristol Council for giving the go-ahead for Banksy’s brilliant exhibition at the city’s museum and even more so for their seemingly democratic handling of the graffiti issue in asking Bristolians to vote online for what should stay and what should be unceremoniously scrubbed out. Trouble is, and I risk a severe generalisation here, I fear the majority of the people who disapprove, and have as much right as anyone else to say so, will not have an equal say because they will have likely never used a computer in their lives - or at least think the only reason they need a poll is to help them walk.

Not quite so democratic then.