Oh, oh... Apple introduces Magic Launchpad, for a speedier connection to the real world

After a period of downtime this morning, the Apple store is now back, and as expected – it now carries refreshed, faster iMac and Mac Pro computers. However, earlier rumours have shown to be true, as Apple has also launched a completely new product, called the Magic Launchpad.

The Magic Launchpad is a 1m x 1m ramp, designed to work on your voracious appetite for buying anything remotely Mac related. Perfect for positioning at the edge of cliffs and very high buildings, it uses the same multitouch technology as the MacBook Pro and is fully capable of launching 4 to 5 Mac lemmings simultaneously.

It “supports a full set of gestures, including the two-fingered 'so long fan-boy sucker' and the one-fingered 'get yourself a life instead' thereby giving you a whole new way to control the way you jump off the consumer chasm” claims Apple’s product description. It connects with your Mac via Bluetooth, and it’s intended to be used either in the open countryside or in built-up areas, especially those with a high proportion of skyscrapers.

The Magic Launchpad comes as a standalone accessory and it costs roughly £35 to end your irrational addiction.

Tweet

Is 'fair' enough?

You’ll be aware that Gordon Brown’s just wheeled in Labour’s new slogan for the forthcoming election, ‘A future fair for all.’

Ok, it’s in stark contrast to what Margaret Thatcher’s campaign line could have been, ‘A future free for all.’

But do you really want ‘fair’?

When Sian Lloyd wafts her spindly fingers, predicting ‘fair’ weather, I slump.

Britain’s grey enough thanks.

‘Fair’ doesn’t cut it. I want a dose of super-double-bloody-brilliant, corking weather that cracks flags and gets kids on front pages stuffing cones in their eager mushes, thanks.

But then again, maybe I’m a selfish product of the Tory/New Labour capitalism, pedalled over the last thirty years. I want good times. I want prosperity. I want sunshine. And I’m prepared to work my arse off for it.

A direct follow on from the enterprising true blue days of the eighties, New Labour (and this tired old Labour), has continued to preside over outrageous consumerism, a credit system built on a platform of jenga and an attitude of pure greed – none more so than with our esteemed MPs themselves.

So excuse me if I scoff at ‘fair.’ Fair sounds like my bloody-well-hard-earned cash is going to be shared out amongst the Migginses – you know, the ones who could never be arsed at school, who expected the state to pay for their six-pack of kids who then wouldn’t take responsibility for the little bleeders trashing the neighbourhood.

The trouble with ‘fair’ is, it just isn’t fair.

No, I’m selfish. I want bright. I want opportunity.

‘Fair’ should be consigned to the dark corners of the Great British bad weather.

Yep, thanks Gordon, but you can stick ‘fair’ where the sun don’t shine.

Jump to the Ouch view on the Tories' campaign line >>

Campaign? Check. Media? Check. Integration? Oh sh**...

The friendly lot where I’m plying my trade at the mo have just brought this lil’ beauty to my attention. And as it’s nearing the festive season, I thought I’d allow myself just one smidgen of puerile fun poking. No ‘arm Guv’nor – especially when the victim sprawling haplessly in the stocks has slyly slinked to get one over on their rivals.

Throwing rotten cabbages and cocking a snook to the competition is electrical retailer, Dixons. Those with a keen eye for any recent marketing endeavours to prise our coins from our consumerist clutch may recall Dixons’ campaign attacking the likes of Harrods, John Lewis and Selfridges.

Forget the fact that the tone of the copy scrapes its nails against all my sensibilities; forget that through the ads, employees of the aforementioned outlets are dealt a snide dig for daring to possess that rarer-than-rocking-horse-shit trait these days of politeness, or achieving more than a couple of GCSE’s in anything else but twokking or stopping grannies' hearts; forget that the consumer who reads the ads is sneered at for having the testicles to even think of venturing into such an emporium of middle class aspiration and simpering niceties; “Oooh no Madam, you wanna get yourself down to Shitsville… that’s right… where you belong dear… a vast repurposed cow shed where, if you can manage to pull each foot off the pre-gummed carpet and you don’t mind the smell of fags, cheap smellies and piss, you’ll feel right at home with an uneducated, disinterested ex-truant who’ll jump on you as soon as you tip a peripheral peek at the playstations – but don’t worry love, they’ll be a good tenner cheaper.”

(Not my opinion of the lovely people at Dixons you understand, but these ads may as well spew this bile from the rafters.)

Oh no, forget all that. Just remember that the campaign concept is a fairly age-old one of ‘Try everywhere else then come to us’; in other words you may as well come to Dixons last because you’ll see we’re cheaper. Fair enough; it’s not rocket science but its simplicity dictates that in most cases it should work.

Unless you forget you can’t just roll out a campaign across all media without a jot of thought. Unless you forget that a campaign tagline must be in context for it to communicate what you actually want to say. Unless you’re in such a rush to get your shiny new pleased-as-punch strapline up on your website nestling next to your logo that you forget it would probably be more suited to a bagel fight in Baghdad sporting nothing but a ‘Bush is Brill’ t-shirt.

Where the bloody hell are those GCSE’s when you need ‘em?

We’re getting spammed on telly

As Tristan O'Carroll reported a couple of days ago in mediaweek, Ben Bradshaw, our culture secretary is expected to reverse the Government’s opposition to product placement later this week at the Royal Television Society convention in Cambridge.

This news has been heartily welcomed by ITV. Apparently, Bradshaw will ‘outline a timetable for a consultation into plans to allow product placement on TV based on certain rules regarding the frequency of placements.’

Just read that last sentence again. That sounds like something might happen in… oh around May 2035. And God knows, what with an onslaught of dodgy digital channels and its own investment into crap programmes, ITV needs as much help as it can get right now. And that help may well come in the form of an estimated £35m that Ofcom says product placement could generate over the next five years in the UK. Of course, the BBC, it’s been argued, will not be one of the main benefactors, but who cares? They’ve been pulling the wool over licence payers’ eyes for years by hammering us all with their own advertising for this channel, that channel, this season, that online project.

But on the subject of pulling the wool over consumers’ eyes, who the hell do ITV (and our Government for that matter) think they’re trying to kid? Check this statement, released this week from ITV: "If the Government does decide to permit product placement, it will be warmly welcomed by the commercial broadcasting industry and advertisers alike.
ITV plc has led the campaign for product placement in the UK, which could be an important new revenue stream - as it already is in Europe.
Reforming the UK prohibition would also be a welcome acknowledgement of the pressures currently faced by an industry in transition. New sources of revenue mean better funded content, which can only be good news for viewers."

If you’re going to give the green light on product placement, fair enough – it’s simply another viable channel option in what should be any brand’s integrated marketing mix. But don’t tell us you’re just thinking about it. You’ve been spamming us for ages with product placement, as this clip from last Friday’s Coronation Street shows to Ouchrageous effect.



Ouch rule of marketing, #531: Market to us by all means but do it relevantly, and most importantly, do it honestly.

Footnote: You’ll notice at the top of this I wrote ‘Ben Bradshaw, our culture secretary’ and not, ‘Ben Bradshaw, the culture secretary.’ That’s because our MPs are supposed to work for us, not the Government, or themselves for that matter.